February 22, 2012
I have now become one of those stupid girls, I can’t help but want to puke at the thought that I have giving my special gift away so soon. It also bothers me that he isn’t willing to make the next time we have sex special for me, since the first one wasn’t really “special.” Note, it only lasted for five minutes or so before the guilt started kicking in and I couldn’t do it anymore.
I asked him if he could make it beautiful, just by cheap flowers and take the petals and spread them out every where and have my favorite candy on the bed. It wasn’t that much to ask. I should have talked to him about it in person, because he had the option to say, “Hey I have to go.” which is a bunch of bullshit because he doesn’t have to go to work until 6, and its only four minutes before five and he only lives three minutes away from his work.
He told me last night that he feels like he has a lot of pressure on him now to try and be good, but he should have thought of that before he tempted me, but it is also my fault. I am not blaming everything on him, because I had the option to cock block him but I didn’t.
I am stupid, and what’s weird is that I don’t regret that it was him, I just wished I had waited longer. We have only waited longer, that I had gotten to know him more and seen how he truly is. And seeing him now, how he is reacting about my mom banning me from having sex (which I am really glad for) and how I don’t want to have sex anytime soon even though I just started birth control, or more like starting tomorrow…I just can’t. I don’t want to feel guilty.
And another thing, is that if this relationship doesn’t last, just like my mom told me last night, I had given it to the first guy who decided to really commit to me. I don’t have my special gift anymore, and when the next guy who comes around and he was actually “the one” I won’t be able to bestow him with that gift. I am a dumb bitch, who went back on all the things she said, so what is left of me? What else do I have to offer to anyone, especially to the next guy I meet who actually wants to be with me and respect what I want? Or what is it that I want? What is it?
I hate feeling helpless and stupid, I have a great support system, but there are those who won’t see it the way I do. They don’t know him like I do, but at the same time, he was probably just acting that way to get what he wants.